Masks

Break the shackles .... break all of those limitations that were put on you while you were a kid, break the conformity you desperately longed for to be a part of this society by killing your unique self, only to realize that nothing in you is yours but a bunch of masks that you put up in front of everyone... break the FUCKING SHACKLES and let yourself free... 

You have nothing to prove to anyone, you're here to experience this physical and material world which does have its importance but not as important as loosing your own identity or character... you're here to experience pain, suffering, happiness, laugh while still being you... YOU HAVE NOTHING TO PROVE TO ANYONE... Let them think whatever they want to, they don't owe you anything, they don't have time to dive into your reality...

Everyone in this universe has their own world and reality created around them, its not your job to be a character in their world... you have your own world, you are your own person... at end nothing really matters but how you perceived and built your own world. BREAK FREE my friend... just BREAK FREE... Sing... smile... get up out of your bed and face the reality you forge with your own purpose

You know what's good news? You have a part still living inside of you which gives you this pain... this suffering that comes to life when you're alone... you're not an outcome of a trauma, you're a unique life who chose lie to avoid conflicts... ... It wasn't personal... everyone who hurt you were just trying to be someone or something they thought was necessary for their reality… DO NOT TAKE THAT PERSONALLY... face the truth and dive in your soul hold on to the hand of that kid who longed for a friend... 

I know it's not going to be a smooth sail ahead of you... its going to be difficult.. you'll again loose yourself in the inflammation of worlds around you... but as long as you keep your hand on your heart and find yourself again and again and again... you'll be back to you... Learn to smile so you can be the reason of someone else's smile for your own sake... 

Hugs Forever

Rai

The Bully!

I was thinking about all the times I lost to a bully...times I got scared and chose survival over retaliation...How cowardly was it...I kept thinking if it was the same situation now I would have broken him in a 1000 ways...and then I imagined some real ugly things id do to that guy...all of a sudden I realize I am in the most comfortable bed in an air conditioned room and I just finished a lovely meal which I craved when I was a kid...what is this anger about, I asked myself. I didn't even remember their faces... nor the exact instance or time when those ugly things happened...I wasn't angry on them...I was angry on myself...for letting myself suffer...They left my life but made the bully out of me...

I bowed down and kept surviving... I think that was the most brave thing to do at that time...as I focused on moving ahead rather than stooping down to their levels,,. Even if that was driven by fear...Even though fear was the driver of my life... I am grateful of how I was to myself and thankful that I did my best to survive for my future...

I thank my past self for all the gifts I have in my present

Travel diary 13th Nov 2021…..Nashik Trimbkeshwar

I never had a sense of belonging anywhere...whether it was a group, home, culture, company, religion or society… I always felt I am just here to watch and observe but never really associate myself with anything. Its not that bad as it makes you think independently and not be a part of any dogma, however it does leave you a bit lonely

This trip proved it all wrong as I was looking at a very small place to get a sense of that belonging… what I didn’t realize is, the more I explore the more I’ll feel a part of it… that I belong everywhere… it’s a humbling experience to see a never ending road to the horizon surrounded by the mountains of Nashik… these mountains never let you feel alone … you’ll always feel they are watching over you like they have watched the beautiful history of Nashik .. where Laxman cut off shoorpanakhas nose (Nashika) and its name came into existence… where Pandavas sought refuge during their vanvas (who also crowned the Jyotirlinga of Shiva), where the great and righteous Maratha’s ruled…

When you pass these mountains and smell the air you feel like a part of that history…all these years of egotistical living …my education, my career, my ambition, my life… while I am not even a blink of an eye in this entire existence… this feeling is both humbling and liberating… I feel its our innate need to be a part of this nature and to explore this beautiful place we call Earth. Stop belonging and explore.. I always loved this famous quote… “I have an insane calling to be where I’m not”

PS: Heres a picture of me (chashmish) and my friends.. We all went through the same emotions throughout the journey and our bond has only gotten stronger...

Being a Wallflower

What's it like being a wallflower?


We are fighters .. we keep fighting ourselves to blurt out that perfect sentence at the perfect moment and we wait forever and ever and ever until that time goes away...
We are criminals, our crime is to be different and still try to blend in.. like fruit giving it's flavor to the milk but keeping it's state different from everything around... afraid that it'll disturb that perfect flow of taste of a milk shake by being itself...
We are misers, misers of emotions never really giving them to anyone, keeping things in our mind, here and their passing along the time, waiting to be alone and being safe from the crowd...
We are secret keepers of our own mind, too busy hiding the true self, trying to find that perfect comfortable corner away from everyone to reflect and to watch the world and never be a part of it...
Questioning yourself why are your emotions not in sync with the crowd at the party.. or at a dinner table.. why is it that you have to be that attention seeker and be the gloomy one.. are you doing this on purpose...
We are the imperfect ones, but before anyone else we beat ourselves down for that perfect mistake we made...waiting for that unattainable redemption by keeping everything at stake...
You are wallflower too my friend..if you're sitting in the corner unnoticed, non existent, detached while still connected with everything... just want you know you're not alone and it's okay to be that way.

Fight towards an inevitable loss

I was wondering yesterday why I can't get sleep, why is it that I feel scared to close my eyes without the aid of my phone, why do I search meaning of my life on Netflix or YouTube, like one of those videos are going to pick me up, dust me off and change my life. Why do I keep searching for heroes in the virtual world? And when I finally get sleep I wake up exhausted like my mind and soul disagree to come back to existence. Why do I see grey all around where are the colors, where's the fucking sun, do I even exist or is it an endless nightmare...

In the struggle to meet the basics I won... long time back... but I still struggle as the things I wanted once, became a need now... the soft pillows, the flawless internet connection, the luxurious food, shopping endlessly online thinking that a new edge multivitamin is going to make me invincible from my own self.

I feel like a burnt castle which once stood ambitious to be a unique monument in life but in the struggle of pleasing the visitors it faded out of it's existence. Now it's what you want it to be... an agony aunt, an unclear disciple whom you give lecture to, an old friend whom you ping to forward your resume, a perfect subordinate whom you can use as your ego pleases... There's still some heart beat left in me I guess, as I try and live this cowardly life, too afraid to be honest with myself, tap into the non existing potential and to try and build a character....

I sometimes try sleeping on untimely hours to reset myself, see if a new guy wakes up who feels new and original. trust me it doesn't help. How does one fight oneself? Is fighting even a solution, what should one do to get out of this pain if you call it a pain..

I really connected once with this quote from Forest Gump: "I don't know if we each have a destiny, or if we're all just floatin around accidental-like on a breeze, but I, I think maybe it's both. Maybe both is happenin at the same time.

The Unforgettable Dream

It's a beautiful day and I am back home..Dad's sitting outside in the yard speaking about me with someone... I am waiting anxiously for him to finish the conversation and come inside, so I can take a look at him closely...

He comes in ...looks me in the eye and starts talking....a shuddering chill runs through my spine...I know this is that rare gift fate has given me...even if it's just a dream I am seeing him again... feeling his presence...his warmth .. the feeling of protection..

I am on the verge of an emotional explosion..in that moment I just want to let go of everything  and hug him...tell him I love him for the first and the last time...

BUT I know ..dreams are fragile, I shouldn't act any differently than I am supposed to ..so that I don't wake myself up and spend more time with him....he's speaking something which I am trying hard to understand ...I can't....I am trembling from the inside but I use all my power to grasp all of his image and the moment we are having together...

A tear drop comes down my cheek..I burst out crying.... He smiles .."How long have you known this is a dream Beta?"

Dream Ends....

Authentic Self

We are born Perfect....

Do you remember your blurry infant past.. how passionate you were in doing things, how original your thoughts were... how you didn't depend on a particular outcome to be happy.. how you weren't afraid to cry and show your vulnerability, how you gave more importance to your feelings and imaginations rather than looks and judgements... how expressive you were, how definite you were regarding the dreams you were planning in your mind....

Your character or self is basically what you have experienced in the past and not necessarily what you had perceived to become. What's natural to you is what kind of experiences you have had on regular intervals. Let's take an example:

A child loves talking out loud, she likes to explain things, she likes to speak with her friends a lot, she loves when the class teacher asks her to read in-front of the class.... but let's assume that her parents are really conservative and believe in keeping the child grounded. They stop her from speaking out loudly, they get angry on her if she speaks a lot when guests arrive, her class teacher is strict and punishes her every time she speaks to her friends during the class.. now her natural self is being challenged by the world.. she has to adapt, hence her subconscious mind creates an delusional truth that talking too much isn't a good thing. She backslides herself into a quiet and reserved girl, and when she sees some one loud and expressive she'll think, how can that person be so outgoing and get's fascinated by the idea.. as if it is alien to her personality.

We limit our ambitions to the extent of our own self judging, we always say.. no that's not me.. that's not my natural self, but actually that is just a fear or laziness speaking out of you. Based on your experiences you create a guide in your mind: do's and don'ts, possible vs impossible..

We are limitless in our capabilities and our choice of building these horizons makes us unique.Explore it.. be mindful..learn how to unlearn things that are limiting you.

Cheers.