Being a Wallflower

What's it like being a wallflower?


We are fighters .. we keep fighting ourselves to blurt out that perfect sentence at the perfect moment and we wait forever and ever and ever until that time goes away...
We are criminals, our crime is to be different and still try to blend in.. like fruit giving it's flavor to the milk but keeping it's state different from everything around... afraid that it'll disturb that perfect flow of taste of a milk shake by being itself...
We are misers, misers of emotions never really giving them to anyone, keeping things in our mind, here and their passing along the time, waiting to be alone and being safe from the crowd...
We are secret keepers of our own mind, too busy hiding the true self, trying to find that perfect comfortable corner away from everyone to reflect and to watch the world and never be a part of it...
Questioning yourself why are your emotions not in sync with the crowd at the party.. or at a dinner table.. why is it that you have to be that attention seeker and be the gloomy one.. are you doing this on purpose...
We are the imperfect ones, but before anyone else we beat ourselves down for that perfect mistake we made...waiting for that unattainable redemption by keeping everything at stake...
You are wallflower too my friend..if you're sitting in the corner unnoticed, non existent, detached while still connected with everything... just want you know you're not alone and it's okay to be that way.

Fight towards an inevitable loss

I was wondering yesterday why I can't get sleep, why is it that I feel scared to close my eyes without the aid of my phone, why do I search meaning of my life on Netflix or YouTube, like one of those videos are going to pick me up, dust me off and change my life. Why do I keep searching for heroes in the virtual world? And when I finally get sleep I wake up exhausted like my mind and soul disagree to come back to existence. Why do I see grey all around where are the colors, where's the fucking sun, do I even exist or is it an endless nightmare...

In the struggle to meet the basics I won... long time back... but I still struggle as the things I wanted once, became a need now... the soft pillows, the flawless internet connection, the luxurious food, shopping endlessly online thinking that a new edge multivitamin is going to make me invincible from my own self.

I feel like a burnt castle which once stood ambitious to be a unique monument in life but in the struggle of pleasing the visitors it faded out of it's existence. Now it's what you want it to be... an agony aunt, an unclear disciple whom you give lecture to, an old friend whom you ping to forward your resume, a perfect subordinate whom you can use as your ego pleases... There's still some heart beat left in me I guess, as I try and live this cowardly life, too afraid to be honest with myself, tap into the non existing potential and to try and build a character....

I sometimes try sleeping on untimely hours to reset myself, see if a new guy wakes up who feels new and original. trust me it doesn't help. How does one fight oneself? Is fighting even a solution, what should one do to get out of this pain if you call it a pain..

I really connected once with this quote from Forest Gump: "I don't know if we each have a destiny, or if we're all just floatin around accidental-like on a breeze, but I, I think maybe it's both. Maybe both is happenin at the same time.